When it really hurts ... in our relationships

Recently, my partner and I discussed travelling overseas to see his mother who is elderly and frail. He kept saying "I don't want to travel alone, come with me".  To me,  I only heard: "He didn't actually ask ME to travel with him". The way he said it, I felt he may as well could have anyone travelling with him - his son, or anyone, Donald Trump, Julia Gillard!

​I started feeling really hurt because he didn't actually say: "Nikki, I want you to travel with me." In my heart, I really wanted him to choose me. I was waiting for an invitation from him to invite ME, I needed confirmation that no-one else would do, that I am special to him, and I am the person he wants by his side.

When we have thoughts about our partner's actions, some these thoughts can really hurt, for example,

"He didn't ask me to travel with him". 

And this means: "He doesn't love me."

So lets take this to enquiry using a few questions and then we will flip the statement a few times.

Is this thought true? Can I absolutely know that this thought is true? 
How do I react when I believe the thought? 
Who would I be without the thought? 

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Now turn it around to the opposite, the self and the other.
He does love me 
Find three places in your life where that is true.

• He waited almost 3 months for me to say whether I was going to go or not.
• He asked me first
• He told me to do my tax so I could not worry about the money-side of travelling.

I don't love me
Find three places in your life where that is true.

• I didn't honour his request by taking action when he asked me to, and this would damage me in the long run because things go confusing. 
• I didn't respond to him because I felt uncertain about whether I should travel at this time because I was unclear about my goals.
• I didn't honour my own feelings by being totally clear about how I feel about travelling at this time.

I don't love him.
Find three places in your life where that is true.

• I didn't respect his request to give him a straight answer and now he has to pay a higher airfare.
• I didn't show up as a partner who is supportive of him as he needs to help his mother prepare for the Winter.
• I didn't own the issue from the beginning to give us both clarity and protect the couple bubble. 

Actions, Insights and Realisations:
​
1. Action: I need to own this - clean up my mess and repair where I can with my partner so that next time this happens we are clear, I am clear and he feels honoured, respected, and supported as am I. 

2. Realisation: I was so desperate to hear him claim me and save me in my Cinderella world that I didn't show up for him when he needs me and my support. I didn't think about 'We' - I just thought about 'Me'. He is simply a reflection of how I come to the relationship. The couple bubble of us two together was replaced with me in my corner, and you in yours. This needs to be repaired, as soon as possible. This is where I would use non-violent communication and method III - communicating in a way that allows us both to get our needs satisfied.

3. Insights: I say things to please people but don't follow through on them. I did say to his mother that I would be coming with him and now I am not. I need to repair this too as I do feel guilty about this lack of integrity.