Help! My Partner is a Narcissist.

My partner accused me of being a narcissist is often what I hear in relationship counselling sessions. Sadly, this term is often pointed at men. While more men are diagnosed as narcissists, we cannot know that those same men were only the perpetrators, they may have been the victims too! Anyone can be perpetrator, and the victim at the same time! Confused? So you should be. Let's unpack this one.

​In recent times, this term has been also adopted as a 'go to' when we are unable to deal with the puzzling habits of our partners when they express themselves emotionally.  Using this label is often a way of discharging a discomfort that is easily communicated. While narcissism is 'a thing', it is really important to note that the very loose use of this term, has been promoted via social media, sometimes to the detriment of our partners.

Lament the Label

Labels such as Narcissist can be an easy way to refer to someone in a shortcut kind of way. Placing a label on someone is really a way of limiting how you see them, and also serves to manipulate them into how you want their behaviour to change. So who is really the narcissist? When we use labels, we diminish the other out of any possibility that they could actually be different, and we get locked into a certain way of seeing our partners. Outside of narcissist label, it becomes really difficult to see the other through the eyes of possibility. It tends to make the other very small, and can disempower them to the point, where you become the perpetrator, just by virtue of using the label!

If your partner displays selfish or self-centred behaviours, it is really healthier to call out the behaviour and not damn the person themselves with a label. They probably don't even know that what they are doing that makes you feel the way you do.

Facts about Narcissism:
1. Requires a diagnosis. 
2. Apparently its more common in men but this I would challenge as we cannot know the victim/perpetrator dynamic unless we closely examine the situation. 
2. Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle any criticism and a sense of entitlement.

Where there is one, there is always the other

It takes real courage to turn the light back in on yourself, and get clear about what it is you need to do in your relationship, especially when it gets to the point of using terms like narcissist. So here is the difficult bit to swallow with 'where there is one, there is always the other.'

If your partner calls you a narcissist, then sure as nuts, there are also times when they are also narcissistic or vice versa. I  know, it sucks to realise that it is also possible that you yourself may have a part to play in the creation of your partner's behaviour.  These are the blindspots, and because our pain prevents us from seeing reality in a 360 degree view, it does take a professional counsellor to help you navigate this in terms of what is real and what is not. Its not always something you can see yourself or call you or your partner out on either.  If you do see it, then how to remedy it is where I come in. I show you how to navigate this area with communication, challenging our thoughts and looking at the family system to see what is the story that needs to be told. 

All said and done, its can be a joy to keep exploring your relationship for the gifts it brings, the good and the bad. If it brings you to a exploratory journey around the power of labels, and how they should be used or not used, then we could agree that your partner is your best teacher.