Stonewalling - What to do when you get the silent treatment.

5/15/2019

Stonewalling in your relationship means refusing to talk to your partner. This could include intentionally shutting down during an argument, often referred to as 'silent treatment' by frustrated couples. It causes feelings of abandonment, hurt and harms the relationship when it is applied as a strategy to buy space, and time. Worse yet, if this happening regularly, then you might need to address this with the help of your relationship counsellor as it could be the signs of an abusive relationship.

IF it appears to be a one off experience or rare occasion that this happens, here is what you can do:

1. Use a slow, soft approach.

2. Make an observation, not a judgement i.e. "When I see you go quiet, and withdraw into yourself..."

3. Describe how it makes you feel.
i.e. "... I feel lost, alone and without hope for our relationship"

4. Make a request, not a demand.
i.e. "Would you be willing to make some time to touch into this in a way that keeps us both safe?"
Expect a NO. This may require a little more: "I would love it if after we have had some time with what is upsetting us, to address what it is that is causing the most pain. I hate seeing us suffer like this. This is not just your problem, or my problem, this is our problem."

5. Take your best manners to the table, be respectful to your partner, reflect what they are saying and do everything you can to really hear them.

Sometimes we also need to see if we are just avoiding the problem, rather than stonewalling. This is a whole blog post on its own, but know that if you are practicing avoidance, you are probably also engaging in stonewalling if you are not on speaking terms.

I encourage you not to wait until you are both in crisis before you seek help. Couples counselling is effective in offering real relationship skills that can change the course of your entire life, not just your relationship. Clear communication, healthy conflict management, and couple routines are key to maintaining a fulfilling relationship with your partner.

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Help! My Partner is a Narcissist.

5/15/2019

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My partner accused me of being a narcissist is often what I hear in relationship counselling sessions. Sadly, this term is often pointed at men. While more men are diagnosed as narcissists, we cannot know that those same men were only the perpetrators, they may have been the victims too! Anyone can be perpetrator, and the victim at the same time! Confused? So you should be. Let's unpack this one.

In recent times, this term has been also adopted as a 'go to' when we are unable to deal with the puzzling habits of our partners when they express themselves emotionally. Using this label is often a way of discharging a discomfort that is easily communicated. While narcissism is 'a thing', it is really important to note that the very loose use of this term, has been promoted via social media, sometimes to the detriment of our partners.

Lament the Label

Labels such as Narcissist can be an easy way to refer to someone in a shortcut kind of way. Placing a label on someone is really a way of limiting how you see them, and also serves to manipulate them into how you want their behaviour to change. So who is really the narcissist? When we use labels, we diminish the other out of any possibility that they could actually be different, and we get locked into a certain way of seeing our partners. Outside of narcissist label, it becomes really difficult to see the other through the eyes of possibility. It tends to make the other very small, and can disempower them to the point, where you become the perpetrator, just by virtue of using the label!

If your partner displays selfish or self-centred behaviours, it is really healthier to call out the behaviour and not damn the person themselves with a label. They probably don't even know that what they are doing that makes you feel the way you do.

Facts about Narcissism:
1. Requires a diagnosis.
2. Apparently its more common in men but this I would challenge as we cannot know the victim/perpetrator dynamic unless we closely examine the situation.
2. Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle any criticism and a sense of entitlement.

Where there is one, there is always the other

It takes real courage to turn the light back in on yourself, and get clear about what it is you need to do in your relationship, especially when it gets to the point of using terms like narcissist. So here is the difficult bit to swallow with 'where there is one, there is always the other.'

If your partner calls you a narcissist, then sure as nuts, there are also times when they are also narcissistic or vice versa. I know, it sucks to realise that it is also possible that you yourself may have a part to play in the creation of your partner's behaviour. These are the blindspots, and because our pain prevents us from seeing reality in a 360 degree view, it does take a professional counsellor to help you navigate this in terms of what is real and what is not. Its not always something you can see yourself or call you or your partner out on either. If you do see it, then how to remedy it is where I come in. I show you how to navigate this area with communication, challenging our thoughts and looking at the family system to see what is the story that needs to be told.

All said and done, its can be a joy to keep exploring your relationship for the gifts it brings, the good and the bad. If it brings you to a exploratory journey around the power of labels, and how they should be used or not used, then we could agree that your partner is your best teacher.

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Stonewalling - What to do when you get the silent treatment.

Help! My Partner is a Narcissist.

Lament the Label

Where there is one, there is always the other

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