Stonewalling in your relationship means refusing to talk to your partner. This could include intentionally shutting down during an argument, often referred to as 'silent treatment' by frustrated couples. It causes feelings of abandonment, hurt and harms the relationship when it is applied as a strategy to buy space, and time. Worse yet, if this happening regularly, then you might need to address this with the help of your relationship counsellor as it could be the signs of an abusive relationship.
IF it appears to be a one off experience or rare occasion that this happens, here is what you can do:
1. Use a slow, soft approach.
2. Make an observation, not a judgement i.e. "When I see you go quiet, and withdraw into yourself..."
3. Describe how it makes you feel.
i.e. "... I feel lost, alone and without hope for our relationship"
4. Make a request, not a demand.
i.e. "Would you be willing to make some time to touch into this in a way that keeps us both safe?"
Expect a NO. This may require a little more: "I would love it if after we have had some time with what is upsetting us, to address what it is that is causing the most pain. I hate seeing us suffer like this. This is not just your problem, or my problem, this is our problem."
5. Take your best manners to the table, be respectful to your partner, reflect what they are saying and do everything you can to really hear them.
Sometimes we also need to see if we are just avoiding the problem, rather than stonewalling. This is a whole blog post on its own, but know that if you are practicing avoidance, you are probably also engaging in stonewalling if you are not on speaking terms.
I encourage you not to wait until you are both in crisis before you seek help. Couples counselling is effective in offering real relationship skills that can change the course of your entire life, not just your relationship. Clear communication, healthy conflict management, and couple routines are key to maintaining a fulfilling relationship with your partner.
Gaslighting is more common than you think! In fact, you may have already done it to someone this month at least.
Well, what is gaslighting you might ask? Gaslighting is when you convince someone that their reality is not true. It can start with the simple things like:
"You said you would meet me at 10:30am, but you arrived at 11am"
(When the original time was really 11am).
Usually this would seem harmless on the surface but it can branch in more nefarious statements like:
"No you didn't make me a priority, you only thought of yourself!"
Said often enough the listener will eventually start to believe this if the thought goes unquestioned.
At its worst it can sound like this:
"You are so complicated, I just want you to be happy, for once"
This carries undertones of there is something wrong with you. You are never happy, and that you are tough to please. That doesn't always sound damaging or dangerous but said often enough, it can settle into a "I am perfect, and you are not" kind of vibe.
Here are some more classic gaslighting sentences:
So what is the antidote I hear you ask? Well, you think your partner for their gift of criticism, and you check up for yourself - question the statements using the Work of Byron Katie to get clear, and then also verify with others to ensure that your reality is congruent (aligned) with what you believe about yourself. Keep your confidence, and don't let it get to you. Call it out when it happens, so that gaslighter knows you are onto them. Stop them in their tracks. It is a form of domestic violence, in classic textbook form.
Gaslighting in its worst form is debilitating, erosive, and divisive. No-one wins and everyone loses. Choose your relationship words carefully, take care of yourself and others. If it is happening to you, get support.
Help! My Partner is a Narcissist.
Where there is one, there is always the other
It takes real courage to turn the light back in on yourself, and get clear about what it is you need to do in your relationship, especially when it gets to the point of using terms like narcissist. So here is the difficult bit to swallow with 'where there is one, there is always the other.'
If your partner calls you a narcissist, then sure as nuts, there are also times when they are also narcissistic or vice versa. I know, it sucks to realise that it is also possible that you yourself may have a part to play in the creation of your partner's behaviour. These are the blindspots, and because our pain prevents us from seeing reality in a 360 degree view, it does take a professional counsellor to help you navigate this in terms of what is real and what is not. Its not always something you can see yourself or call you or your partner out on either. If you do see it, then how to remedy it is where I come in. I show you how to navigate this area with communication, challenging our thoughts and looking at the family system to see what is the story that needs to be told.
All said and done, its can be a joy to keep exploring your relationship for the gifts it brings, the good and the bad. If it brings you to a exploratory journey around the power of labels, and how they should be used or not used, then we could agree that your partner is your best teacher.
I am passionate about being the catalyst for change for the better, supporting the greater good to create causes and conditions to benefit everyone down the track.
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