Gaslighting

Gaslighting is more common than you think! In fact, you may have already done it to someone this month at least. 

Well, what is gaslighting you might ask? Gaslighting is when you convince someone that their reality is not true. It can start with the simple things like: 

"You said you would meet me at 10:30am, but you arrived at 11am" 
(When the original time was really 11am).

Usually this would seem harmless on the surface but it can branch in more nefarious statements like: 
"No you didn't make me a priority, you only thought of yourself!" 
Said often enough the listener will eventually start to believe this if the thought goes unquestioned. 

At its worst it can sound like this:

"You are so complicated, I just want you to be happy, for once"

This carries undertones of there is something wrong with you. You are never happy, and that you are tough to please. That doesn't always sound damaging or dangerous but said often enough, it can settle into a "I am perfect, and you are not" kind of vibe. 

Here are some more classic gaslighting sentences:

• "I never said that, everyone agrees with me that you are crazy"
• "You are the only person I have ever had this problem with"
• "You are so sensitive"
• "This is all you, I didn't do anything wrong"
• "You are just insecure"
• "You have a vivid imagination"
• "You are upset over nothing"
• "There's always drama with you"
• "You can't take a joke, tsk"

So what is the antidote I hear you ask?  Well, you think your partner for their gift of criticism, and you check up for yourself - question the statements using the Work of Byron Katie to get clear, and then also verify with others to ensure that your reality is congruent (aligned) with what you believe about yourself. Keep your confidence, and don't let it get to you. Call it out when it happens, so that gaslighter knows you are onto them. Stop them in their tracks. It is a form of domestic violence, in classic textbook form.

Gaslighting in its worst form is debilitating, erosive, and divisive. No-one wins and everyone loses. Choose your relationship words carefully, take care of yourself and others. If it is happening to you, get support. 

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