Have you ever felt drained by your partner? Like everything you do is neither noticed or acknowledged? You feel like you have been taken for granted and receive nothing in return? This symptom usually indicates there is an imbalance in giving and taking. I can already hear you saying: "Sure! I already know what that is about! You are not telling me anything new!" I agree. BUT... here is the secret sauce... there are some tells that allow us to see where giving and taking is not just about about loving and giving everything you've got. Its about reciprocation, a full exchange, where each gives a little more each time there is an exchange.
What to do with someone who fasts or helps too much?
This is where it gets tricky. Beliefs around giving and taking may prevent a person from not taking or worse, make them give too much. Previous childhood experiences may have something to do with it where they may have had a dangerous parent, or they were bullied at school. It could also have to do with feeling safe, and their experience of relationships e.g. did they keep their friends, lose their person etc. When it really is too much to handle... If the behaviour is starting to damage a relationship, make someone feel uncomfortable or causes them to want to leave the the relationship, then its time to see a counsellor. You can also attend Belief Busters at the LECNA Community Centre this Tuesday evening at 7pm to learn more about giving and taking in relationships. SMS Nikki Ward on 0417 435029 to book in.
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Recently, my partner and I discussed travelling overseas to see his mother who is elderly and frail. He kept saying "I don't want to travel alone, come with me". To me, I only heard: "He didn't actually ask ME to travel with him". The way he said it, I felt he may as well could have anyone travelling with him - his son, or anyone, Donald Trump, Julia Gillard! I started feeling really hurt because he didn't actually say: "Nikki, I want you to travel with me." In my heart, I really wanted him to choose me. I was waiting for an invitation from him to invite ME, I needed confirmation that no-one else would do, that I am special to him, and I am the person he wants by his side. When we have thoughts about our partner's actions, some these thoughts can really hurt, for example, "He didn't ask me to travel with him". And this means: "He doesn't love me." So lets take this to enquiry using a few questions and then we will flip the statement a few times. Is this thought true? Can I absolutely know that this thought is true? How do I react when I believe the thought? Who would I be without the thought? Now turn it around to the opposite, the self and the other.
He does love me Find three places in your life where that is true.
Find three places in your life where that is true.
Find three places in your life where that is true.
Actions, Insights and Realisations: 1. Action: I need to own this - clean up my mess and repair where I can with my partner so that next time this happens we are clear, I am clear and he feels honoured, respected, and supported as am I. 2. Realisation: I was so desperate to hear him claim me and save me in my Cinderella world that I didn't show up for him when he needs me and my support. I didn't think about 'We' - I just thought about 'Me'. He is simply a reflection of how I come to the relationship. The couple bubble of us two together was replaced with me in my corner, and you in yours. This needs to be repaired, as soon as possible. This is where I would use non-violent communication and method III - communicating in a way that allows us both to get our needs satisfied. 3. Insights: I say things to please people but don't follow through on them. I did say to his mother that I would be coming with him and now I am not. I need to repair this too as I do feel guilty about this lack of integrity. Have you ever had a traumatic experience where you saw something disturbing but didn't feel upset until a few days afterwards? When we experience stressful events, we may not fully experience the effect of those events until after the event has happened. This is because our mind speed doesn't always equal our body speed. We may experience a 'delayed reaction' that can cause us to feel anxious, to numb out on alcohol, food or cigarettes or worse, experience depression. Lets take a closer look. The body sends out signals, but the mind doesn't always pick up on the alerts until it really starts to register an uncomfortable feeling in the body. We may feel heat in the tummy or lightness in the chest for example. Don't worry - its temporary, and it will go away however, over time, the more we ignore it, the more the sensation can intensify, especially if our stress levels are already high. Anxiety is the body's way of signalling to the mind "Hey! The Fire Truck is out and ready to address the threat, but the Alarm Bell in the head is unplugged!". The trouble is, by the time we feel the sensation, very often it is difficult to pinpoint the origin of the anxiety. This is where EFT comes in. Emotional Freedom Technique is a simple tapping method that helps to identify what is behind our anxiety by tapping on the acupressure points connected to the hypothalmic points in the brain. The hypothalamus is the part of the brain responsible for fight or flight so when the nervous system is elevated, it is important to learn how to connect body to mind so that body-mind talk can happen, and the threat the body perceives, can be converted into words. When this happens, and there is an inner dialogue between body and mind and this is what I call 'bodytalk'. When this dialogue happens, just like magic, the anxiety signals experienced in the body, become settled and vanish. If you would like to learn more about EFT, then I invite you to attend the my 1 day workshop detailed in the Events page in July at the Relaxation Centre of Queensland. We will learn how to do EFT and you will get to experience first hand the wonders of this technique. Image courtesy of EFTTappingtechniques.com (c) Stonewalling in your relationship means refusing to talk to your partner. This could include intentionally shutting down during an argument, often referred to as 'silent treatment' by frustrated couples. It causes feelings of abandonment, hurt and harms the relationship when it is applied as a strategy to buy space, and time. Worse yet, if this happening regularly, then you might need to address this with the help of your relationship counsellor as it could be the signs of an abusive relationship. IF it appears to be a one off experience or rare occasion that this happens, here is what you can do: 1. Use a slow, soft approach. 2. Make an observation, not a judgement i.e. "When I see you go quiet, and withdraw into yourself..." 3. Describe how it makes you feel. i.e. "... I feel lost, alone and without hope for our relationship" 4. Make a request, not a demand. i.e. "Would you be willing to make some time to touch into this in a way that keeps us both safe?" Expect a NO. This may require a little more: "I would love it if after we have had some time with what is upsetting us, to address what it is that is causing the most pain. I hate seeing us suffer like this. This is not just your problem, or my problem, this is our problem." 5. Take your best manners to the table, be respectful to your partner, reflect what they are saying and do everything you can to really hear them. Sometimes we also need to see if we are just avoiding the problem, rather than stonewalling. This is a whole blog post on its own, but know that if you are practicing avoidance, you are probably also engaging in stonewalling if you are not on speaking terms. I encourage you not to wait until you are both in crisis before you seek help. Couples counselling is effective in offering real relationship skills that can change the course of your entire life, not just your relationship. Clear communication, healthy conflict management, and couple routines are key to maintaining a fulfilling relationship with your partner. Gaslighting is more common than you think! In fact, you may have already done it to someone this month at least. Well, what is gaslighting you might ask? Gaslighting is when you convince someone that their reality is not true. It can start with the simple things like: "You said you would meet me at 10:30am, but you arrived at 11am" (When the original time was really 11am). Usually this would seem harmless on the surface but it can branch in more nefarious statements like: "No you didn't make me a priority, you only thought of yourself!" Said often enough the listener will eventually start to believe this if the thought goes unquestioned. At its worst it can sound like this: "You are so complicated, I just want you to be happy, for once" This carries undertones of there is something wrong with you. You are never happy, and that you are tough to please. That doesn't always sound damaging or dangerous but said often enough, it can settle into a "I am perfect, and you are not" kind of vibe. Here are some more classic gaslighting sentences:
So what is the antidote I hear you ask? Well, you think your partner for their gift of criticism, and you check up for yourself - question the statements using the Work of Byron Katie to get clear, and then also verify with others to ensure that your reality is congruent (aligned) with what you believe about yourself. Keep your confidence, and don't let it get to you. Call it out when it happens, so that gaslighter knows you are onto them. Stop them in their tracks. It is a form of domestic violence, in classic textbook form. Gaslighting in its worst form is debilitating, erosive, and divisive. No-one wins and everyone loses. Choose your relationship words carefully, take care of yourself and others. If it is happening to you, get support.
Where there is one, there is always the otherIt takes real courage to turn the light back in on yourself, and get clear about what it is you need to do in your relationship, especially when it gets to the point of using terms like narcissist. So here is the difficult bit to swallow with 'where there is one, there is always the other.' If your partner calls you a narcissist, then sure as nuts, there are also times when they are also narcissistic or vice versa. I know, it sucks to realise that it is also possible that you yourself may have a part to play in the creation of your partner's behaviour. These are the blindspots, and because our pain prevents us from seeing reality in a 360 degree view, it does take a professional counsellor to help you navigate this in terms of what is real and what is not. Its not always something you can see yourself or call you or your partner out on either. If you do see it, then how to remedy it is where I come in. I show you how to navigate this area with communication, challenging our thoughts and looking at the family system to see what is the story that needs to be told. All said and done, its can be a joy to keep exploring your relationship for the gifts it brings, the good and the bad. If it brings you to a exploratory journey around the power of labels, and how they should be used or not used, then we could agree that your partner is your best teacher.
Panic attacks are what they are - your body is saying "No!", and sending you a message that deep spiritual work that needs to happen. This is part of what drives your spirit to signal through your sub-conscious mind and your body, that a deep listening needs to occur. Sometimes our lives are such, that time doesn't permit this to happen, or we use movies, booze, sex, drugs to numb out, and when that temporary fix wears off we are back where we started, anxious and without the skills to be able to look at what is really going on for us. First up, lets look at what do if you are feeling anxious right now, and then what you can do when you have brought your anxiety down a notch or two and you are no longer in panic mode.
When you are over the panic attack, here is what you need to do:
When you are feeling fine again, and your anxiety has dropped a notch, start to consider lifestyle changes - food, sleep, diet, alcohol, exercise, work patterns, stress management. If you find that taking these steps don't help reduce symptoms, then it is time to see your counsellor. That's me! Sometimes anxiety has deeper roots in your family system, your physiology, your thinking patterns, your life situation or past development or event trauma. That's when you come and see me. Together we can explore this area as I meet you where you are at, shine a light in the dark places so you can discover what is true and doable for you. I work with you, using a range of tools and techniques, in a respectful, non-judgmental and supportive environment, to build your confidence back up again, until you realise, you don't need to see me anymore because you are doing just fine.
What I have learned is that anxiety is usually the first signal that something in our life is not right or balanced. This is usually when your body, the most intelligent part of you, is sending out warning signals. If you are surprised, so you should be - popular belief is that it is the mind that is to blame for all this malarky, but in reality, the neuroscience (Besel Van Der Kolk, author of The Body Knows the Score), now shows it is the body that has the smarts on what is reaaallly going on for you! That said, the way I approach anxiety, it is that both mind and body are contained in the same biochemical suit (thanks, Einstein). When one signals the other and vice versa, it means something that may be beyond your awareness, is causing a life imbalance or an upset is going down in your system. By system, I mean your body system, your family system, your workplace system, your country system etc - all the systems, you as a human being are connected to. Why should we care? When anxiety is not addressed, things just can get worse over time. There is no need to worry though as much can be done before getting to that point. When you feel anxious...
Start to consider lifestyle changes - food, sleep, diet, alcohol, exercise, work patterns, stress management to set yourself up for a calm, harmonious lifestyle. A lifestyle, that some say, calls the body to go into the 'rest and digest' mode, as opposed to the fight, flight or freeze mode. If you find that taking these steps don't help reduce symptoms, then it is time to see your counsellor. That's me! Sometimes chronic anxiety has deeper roots in your family system, your physiology, your thinking patterns, your life situation or past development or event trauma. That's when you come and see me. Together we can explore this area, as I meet you where you are at, and as we become fellow travellers, I will be able shine a light in the dark places so you can discover what is true for you. I work with you, using a range of tools and techniques, in a respectful, non-judgmental and supportive environment, within the limits of what is doable for you learn new ways of being, locate the entanglements of your systems, and to build your confidence back up again, until you realise, you don't need to see me anymore because you are doing just fine. That is when my job is well and truly done! |
AuthorI am passionate about being the catalyst for change for the better, supporting the greater good to create causes and conditions to benefit everyone down the track. Archives
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